Murderous Mustaches
by alltangledupinyou
Summary: Gender bent and extremely AU version of Tangled. This the story of a boy, a boy with an insanely long mustache. Now, this mustache has magical powers, and so the boy to whom it belongs has been locked in a tower since birth. One day, he escapes and discovers that the outside world is a bit . . . different than what he expected. Hilarity and insane adventures ensue.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Tangled crack fic that's been sitting on my computer for far too long. I'll try to update weekly.

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and plot points aren't mine.

* * *

Foxglove screamed a manly scream. Well, it was really more of a girly shriek, but he felt he was perfectly justified in sounding feminine. _Anyone_ would sound feminine if they had just been defenestrated by a bloody flying squirrel. Where was the hell was Philbert anyway? He was going to murder him for this. Foxglove was jerked out of his thoughts by a rather worried squeak. Remembering that he was in fact falling through the air after being pushed out of a rather high tower, he grabbed one side of his freakishly long mustache and, swinging it through the air like some absurd sort of lasso, just managed to catch the hook on the window above him. With an extremely painful jerk and another girlish shriek or two, Foxglove managed to lower himself to the ground. Upon realising that he was touching grass for the first time- or, more accurately- that he was outside his tower for the first time in his life, Foxglove froze. His father was going to murder him. He wouldn't live to see the sunrise. He needed to get back inside. Now. And then he realised that Philbert, who had gotten them into this stupid mess in the first place, was nowhere to be found.

"Philbert?" Foxglove called turning in a tight circle and hoping to catch a glimpse of his furry friend. "PHILBERT?!"

"Scree!" said something at his feet.

"There you are! You scared the shit out of me, you stupid git! Don't you _ever_ do that again!"

* * *

Of course, Philbert simply rolled his eyes at this lovely, heartwarming speech. He'd heard it all before, whenever he did something that was potentially dangerous either to himself or Foxglove. Of course, he'd never defenestrated the boy before. Turning towards the forest and ignoring the indignant huffing coming from behind him, Philbert scrambled for the trees. If Foxglove wanted to go back to that dumb tower and his extremely overbearing "daddy poo", that was up to him and the strength of his mustache. Philbert hadn't been on the ground in, well, ever. Foxglove had found him as an infant and had been raising him ever since, which meant that where the boy went, he went. And that did not include the ground. It was time to go exploring!

* * *

Foxglove scrambled after the furry prat, silently listing off every insult he could think of and quickly grabbing his seventy foot mustache up in his arms. Daddy Poo, as his father liked to be called, was going to skin him and then roast him slowly over an open fire. The one thing, _one thing_ , that he was absolutely forbidden to do was leave the tower. His mustache had an _interesting_ ability, and according to Daddy Poo there were people who would use that ability to do evil. Sure, Foxglove had always wondered about the outside world, but apparently there were all sorts of nasty things out there, especially women. Women had sharp, pointy teeth and strange sticky outy bits that could produce flames to burn you. Foxglove shuddered, and silently prayed that he didn't run in to one.

* * *

The forest was quite nice, Foxglove decided. Cool and darkish, with lots of pieces of green. He had just bent down to examine a very pretty flower when he heard a horrible screeching sound coming from somewhere off to his left. Someone was being murdered! Philbert and Foxglove looked at each other, then made a mad dash for the horrendous sound to see if there was anything they could possibly do to help.

When the two finally burst out into the clearing that the noise was coming from, they found someone taking a bath fully clothed in the small pond there. Nobody and nothing was being murdered aside from the song the person was singing. Said person suddenly whipped around, and Foxglove screamed a bit shrilly. It was a woman!

* * *

Cassidy Penn was pissed. Actually, she was far beyond pissed. She was furious. She'd been having a lovely swim, finally washing her clothes which were getting rather rank, and singing her favorite song (admittedly off key) when someone had come bursting through the trees. Said someone had something akin to a dead muskrat hanging off his face, and had shrieked at the sight of her. Cassie was going to murder the bloody boy. Hopping out of the forest pool she had been cleaning up in, Cassie headed for the trees, shivering a bit as the wind blew through her wet clothing. Raking her eyes over the undergrowth, she spotted movement followed by an angry squeak. "Get your stupid arse out here you prat!"

* * *

Under cover of the trees, Foxglove cringed. The enraged female obviously wanted to roast and eat him, and he didn't intend to let her. Daddy Poo had been right. Women were extremely terrifying. Poking his head carefully out of the undergrowth and looking around, Foxglove sighed in relief. The woman was nowhere to be seen. He was just about to step out when someone shouted, "Haha! I've got you now!" and the woman dropped down in front of him. Foxglove gulped.

"Please don't eat me!" he squeaked. She looked at him quizzically.

"Why the hell would I eat you?" she asked.

"I don't know. Maybe because you like the taste of human flesh, what with your pointy teeth and built in roasters." Foxglove gestured at her chest. She stared at him like he was insane.

* * *

The boy was obviously off his rocker. He thought she was a cannibal? And really, built in roasters?! He was still looking at her like she was some type of predator, big brown eyes wide with fear, white blond hair and mustache caught up in the branches surrounding him. That mustache was freakishly long. Cassie sighed and put her hands up in surrender. "I'm not going to eat you, you great big buffoon! I'm just going to murder you a little for interrupting my lovely, peaceful bath." That, apparently, was the wrong thing to say. The boy's eyes got so wide they threatened to pop out of his skull, and he began a desperate attempt to extricate himself from the shrubbery, to no avail. Cassie let out an annoyed huff.

"Look," she said, inching towards him. "I promise I'm not going to hurt you, not even a little bit. I'm just going to cut you out."

* * *

"NOOOO!" Foxglove screeched. Was the woman absolutely _insane_?! Actually, she probably was. But that was beside the point. If she cut off his mustache, it would lose it's magical powers, and that would be bad. _Really_ bad. The woman cocked her head at him, looking puzzled, then shrugged.

"Fine," she said. "I won't cut you out then." And off she flounced, back towards the pond. Foxglove watched her go, her thick brown hair swinging behind her, brown eyes flickering in annoyance. He was just about to call out, maybe see if she would help him, when an arrow came whizzing from the trees straight for her. Foxglove could only watch in horror as the projectile hurtled through the air.

* * *

Cassie had just headed off to grab her boots and then get her rucksack and bow from the tree where she'd hidden them when someone, she realised later that it was the boy, shouted, "Look out!" On instinct, Cassie hit the ground, and was extremely glad that she had done so when she saw the quivering arrow sticking out of a tree trunk in front of her. "Shit," she said, and then, as an afterthought, a "Stay where you are," aimed at the boy, who nodded. Glancing behind her to see if any more arrows were coming her way, Cassie darted towards the pond, grabbed her boots, and scrambled up the nearest tree, which just so happened to be the one where she'd stashed her things. Just as she settled herself on a branch, the prat responsible for her near shishkebabing made an appearance. Grabbing her bow and nocking a blunt arrow, Cassie took careful aim for his posterior. Unfortunately, she recognized him. He was one of the thugs who'd been tracking her for days now in an attempt to turn her in for the reward money. Cassie shot her arrow. The ugly thug grabbed his rear end, hopping around in pain. Cassie grinned in satisfaction. And then ugly thug number two appeared.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Sorry this is so late, but stuff. Actually I just forgot to post it. Also I'm not sure anyone is actually reading this, so. I'll try and post an update quicker this time? Enjoy the second chapter.

* * *

Foxglove was impressed. The woman was quite a good shot. She'd managed to hit the ugly thug in the rear end from her perch in a tree a few meters off. He was almost certain she'd bested the nasty buggers who'd shot at them, or he was until ugly thug number two appeared. Ugly thug number one was still hopping around and holding his bum, but he managed to gesture at the tree that the woman was sitting in. Ugly thug number two strolled over to said tree and began to shake it rather violently, causing the woman to fall out with a loud crashing sound. During the entire altercation, Foxglove and Philbert had been diligently working on freeing mustache and hair from the shrubbery. Using his newfound freedom, Foxglove lassoed the thug currently standing over the woman and flung him against a tree, then did the same to the thug with the sore bum. Obviously terrified of the apparent hair monster residing in the bushes, the two thugs fled and Foxglove scrambled over to the woman, who was lying horridly still.

* * *

Cassie woke up to someone poking her extremely tentatively with their toe, and another someone sitting with their arse in her face. She cracked an eye open. Thankfully, the someone on her face wasn't one of the thugs. Unfortunately, it was a somewhat rabid looking flying squirrel. "Err, um, are you alright...woman?" said the someone poking her with a toe.

"First of all, do I look alright to you? I just fell out a tree. That hurts a whole lot in case you were wondering. Second of all, it's rude to call people woman. The name's Cassidy." Cassie glared at the boy. "But I suppose you can call me Cassie. I like it better anyway. And last but not least, I'm not alright because there's a quite possibly rabid flying squirrel who's just had it's bum in my face."

"Hey! Philbert isn't rabid!" said Foxglove. Philbert nodded from his new position on her stomach. The wo- Cassie rolled her eyes. "And my name's Foxglove by the way." Cassie stared at him for a minute, then started to laugh. Foxglove felt a bit affronted. He rather liked his name, and didn't get why she thought it was funny.

"But, but that's a bloody flower! Who the hell would name a boy _that_?!"

"Well, for you information, Daddy Poo says that Foxglove is a lovely name. It's loads better than Cassidy at any rate."

"Daddy Poo?!" More laughter on Cassie's part.

"Yes. Do you have a problem with that?"

"No, no, just finding it a bit hard to swallow. You don't get out much do you?"

"Try not at all. Daddy Poo says it's dangerous out here, especially the women."

"Is that why you thought I had built in roasters?"

"Um, er, maybe?"

"Well I don't have any in case you were still wondering. And my teeth aren't pointy either."

Cassie, who was getting a bit hungry and wanted to get her things down from the tree, attempted to stand up. She promptly fell back on her bum, one hand clutched to her side with a loud ow and a few choice words. Foxglove looked on in concern. "Everything all right?" he finally asked, a bit wary considering the answer he'd got the last time he asked that question.

"No," Cassie bit out, looking downright pissed. "Everything is not alright. I think I may have broken something." Foxglove must have looked as confused as he felt (how does one break something when they're not holding anything to break?) because Cassie rolled her eyes and said, "A bone. I think I've broken a bone you twat. Quite possibly several. Now will you please help me up?"

Foxglove, now wondering how exactly one broke a bone, nodded, bent down and slid an arm around Cassie's waist while she slid her arm around his shoulders. With a grunt, Foxglove stood, pulling Cassie along with him. She swayed into him, then pushed away, standing on her own with one hand on the tree behind her for balance. "Would you be so kind as to get my things, Foxglove darling?" she said, voice laced with sarcasm. Foxglove nodded and scrambled up the tree, grabbing her rucksack and her bow and quiver, then heading back down. Cassie bent over slowly and rummaged in her bag for a minute before pulling out a long strip of cloth and yanking her shirt over her head. Foxglove, curious to see what was there if not built in roasters, was surprised to discover that her chest was wrapped in some sort of bandage. He watched in fascination as Cassie wrapped the piece of cloth taken from her bag around her ribs, wincing as she pulled it tight, and then put her shirt back on. Was that how people fixed broken bones?

"Well," Cassie said, turning to Foxglove. "Best be off then." She swung her rucksack over her shoulder along with her quiver, then grabbed her bow and headed into the woods. A second later, she was tugged back into the clearing by Foxglove's mustache. "What the hell was that for? Did you want something?"

"Yes actually I did," said Foxglove. "I just saved your life from those two thugs. I think you owe me a favor."

"No, I don't think I do. Now if you don't mind, I'm on a bit of a tight schedule."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yup!"

* * *

Foxglove sighed in exasperation. How was he supposed to get her to help him now? Apparently, she felt no need to return a favor, and that had been his only idea as to how to get her to take him to the city. Casting about for an idea, Foxglove spotted a bit of paper resting on the ground at the base of the tree. He scooped it up. The piece of paper turned out to be a wanted poster with the name Cassidy Penn written on it in big letters and the amount of money being offered as a reward. There was also a picture, although it didn't appear to be extremely accurate. Cassie's ears were a smidge larger and her nose was a bit more, well _crooked_ , in the drawing than in real life.

* * *

Cassie cursed. Those dumb thugs had dropped a wanted poster in the midst of all the commotion, and now Foxglove had managed to find it. She was so screwed. She'd do anything to avoid being turned in, which meant she was going to have to give that favor he wanted. Damn, damn, damn.

"Well," Foxglove smirked. "I have a new deal to propose. You do me a favor, or I turn you in for your crimes, and you can rot in jail for the rest of your life."  
"Actually, the sentence would be death by hanging."

"Even better. Ready to do that favor about now, yeah?"

" _Fine,_ "

"Fine. You will take me to the city for a day and then return me to my tower, or I'll turn you over to the authorities. Deal?"

"Deal."


End file.
